Tag Archives: humour

Proof of Existence


No, readers, your eyes do not deceive you, this really is a blog post…by me.

I’m sorry, okay, it’s just, well you know the story-  a lot of shits been going down recently. My family is pissed off for variety of reasons, my friends were pissed off for a variety of reasons (one of them being me) and I was pissed off for all of the above.  But don’t expect me to start writing depressed Facebook status’ ( I got twitter now #lolzzz (Go on, try and find me, and get a special prize) this in turn means Facebook can do a bebo and die, essentially.

Just to sum up how LONG I’ve been ignoring you all let go through what’s happened since I was last on here shall we;

  • One Direction are just about everywhere, bitches, I found them first
 
  • I discovered a multitude of Youtubers: Bertiebertg, Sezrules, Bribry etc, etc.
 
  • Demi Lovato skyped Niall Horan an the world went insane
 
  • I discovered Bribry and I went insane ( Sum Me Up is such a good song, I just cant take it anymore)
 
  • Call Me Maybe. Enough said.
 
  • I saw The Avengers (or as it’s called in the UK for some extremelyirrelevant reason ‘Marvel’s Avengers Assemble) and went into 100% Iron Man/Thor/Captain America/ Hawkeye’s shite/Robert Downey Jr > Life/asdfghj rampage.
 
  • I sat exams – I shan’t go in to the gory details, all is best forgotten.
 
  • Being British is now apparently something to be proud of, 2012 means The Jubilee and The Olympics etc. But hold on, when we reach January 1st 2013, the government and everyone else will be thinking WHAT THE FUCK WILL WE DO NOW?! 
 
  • Also, the government has no money, supposedly, yet I question who paid for Will.I.Am ( also known as ‘That’s dope’ or ‘William’) to jump about a stage on top of a fountain?
 
  • The Voice turned into X Factor in a shockingly short amount of time.
 
  • Miley Cyrus got engaged. Yep.
 

You know your life has reached the peak of RIVETING when you’re watching Cash in The Attic on a Sunday evening pr-evening. Bazinga.

 

I went to church today. I could FEEL the eyes of pensioners judging and analysing my being. I sat with my Dad, another non-church goer, and we sat trying not to laugh. Also, I got stopped in the street by ‘Do you have moment for God?’ and I stood there awkwardly while Christian friend chatted with him happily. It’s a sign. Amen.

 

I got a Blackberry and I’ve hated myself ever since, seriously, it’s just terrible, I switching to IPhone as soon as I possibly can.

Anyway, this blog had no particular topic other than letting you all know I was alive. Alright then. Bye.

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Nature hates me


It’s come to light on several occasions that nature, defiantly, does not like me.
Anytime I’m in a place of natural preservation, I’m chewed up and spat back out again.
I’m not the outdoor type, not because I’m prissy and couldn’t bare having mud on my new shoes but because I simply can’t deal with it, and it can’t deal with me. For example;

  • I was at a park in southern Ireland, I stepped in dog shit.
  • When i was younger, At school it was a sunny day so I lay down on the grass for a while…I then found a worm in my hair.
  • I went for a walk in a forest, tripped over a root in the ground five times.
  • At an outdoor pursuits centre we climbed up a mountain- but we climbed through all the crevices in the boulders as we went…I got properly stuck twice and had to be pulled out.
  • Anytime I attempt to go for a run or even a walk, it starts raining.
  • And finally today, at a park with my friends, I SAT yes, SAT in dog shit, seriously people bag your dog excretion for the love of God or it will find it’s way to me, and from there it’ll find it’s way onto Facebook courtesy of my friends. Love my life.
  • So as you can see, it’s pretty clear Mother Nature is holding some kind of grudge against me, seriously- But hey, gives me yet another excuse to stay on the Internet my entire life.

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    Mimicking a trumpet and other such adventures


    This week, I have been locked in a room with people sitting in straight lines – Sectioned in a metal institute? I wish. This phenomena involves me of course catching a ghastly cold SLAP BANG in the middle of this examination process. Yes just like most people my age I’m taking exams 😦 *sad face FML* Also, every time I actually take the polite approach to coping with nasal congestion by holding a tissue to my nasal passages and mimicking a trumpet, the entire exam room turns around to look at me like I’m some sort of freak.
    My Facebook newsfeed is abominated with Omg I hate exams :'(, Ugh Miss/Mr ___ is so AWFUL!!, English will be THE DEATH OF ME!!! Meanwhile I quip, “Heading to the convent anyway, so feck it all”.

    Snow Patrol’s new album Fallen Empires was something I got for Christmas that I’ll happily admit to. Why? It’s just SO.GOOD. I’m being serious, if you get a chance, check them out. Really, something positive came out of Northern Ireland- hard to believe I know. I’d put the links up but unless you’re half chimp or something, get your ass to Google and type S-N-O-W P-A-T-R-O-L.
    And do me a favour and tell me what you think if you do get a listen, I kind of love them just.

    I was away this weekend and before we left, mother told me to tidy my room. Why? What logic is there for tidying a room that I won’t be living in until the next weekend? “because I said so,” she’d say
    because I said so- translation- Because I’ve more authority over you until you turn eighteen. True story.

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    Global Warming and Masculine Humour


    In science, we were talking about fossil fuels and Global Warming and stuff. When my teacher asked about alternative energy sources that we’d need to switch to in the future, my fellow classmates said the usual, wind turbines, solar panels, Waves, water turbines- but I came up with something else.
    BioMass energy.
    It was so frigging obvious! When I said it (and was able to explain it) I got serious kudos from my fellow classmates- everyone was in a short of shock, as of to say ‘Where the hell did that nugget of knowledge come from?’
    I also made up a song as well, to the tune of Sean Kingston’s Fire burnin’ so imagine the tune to these lyrics

    Somebody call Greenpeace
    Cuz global warming taking over the whole earth y’all
    Ooh
    Gotta save the Polar Bear
    Cuz they are really rare
    On the earth y’all
    Ooh
    The water’s rising
    It is rising
    In the arctic
    The acid’s raining
    It is raining
    In the forest
    Somebody call Greenpeace
    Cuz Global warming taking over the whole earth y’all
    Ooh

    It’s nothing big or clever it’s just something that I made up and found funny at the time. No one else seemed to appreciate it though.

    I realised how much a male sense of humour I have today.
    One of my male friends told a joke about periods, “saw a bunch of moody girls sitting together, so I said “look it’s the periodic table!””
    I burst out laughing and quickly retorted with “why are women so moody during their periods? It’s such an Ovary action!”
    Me and all the boys fell about laughing.
    But my female friends didn’t appreciate it,
    “ugh, that’s actually disgusting”
    “I can’t believe you discuss that openly with boys!”
    “you have such a dirty mind!”
    I told them to calm down, and that my sense of humour was wasted when it fell upon their delicate, Disney Channel consumed ears. They didn’t appreciate that quip either.
    They went on to say that I ‘thrive on dirty jokes’
    So it’s my fault that I get on so well with boys? Im suddenly a flirt or a pervert if I join in a little joke that’s funny? I mean at this age, these kind of things are supposed to be laughed at aren’t they? Would they rather I sat there looking gormless moping about writing poems about how depressing and twists life can be? No, I wouldn’t, personally.
    They then asked me why I always laugh at everything.

    “Well if you don’t have something to smile about every minute of everyday, whats the point of it all really?”

    That deep and meaningful sentence stole from Status Shuffle shut her up quick enough.
    I don’t really like it when people question who I am and why I’m a certain way. Why the hell do they do that? As if ill be changing to fit their version of normal any time soon. I won’t be asking permission to be who I am. If they can’t stand my person, no ones forcing them to sit and talk to me. Frankly I couldn’t give half a shit. I’ve got plenty of friends, REAL friends, losing a meaningless one wouldn’t be a great loss.

    Wow that last paragraph sounded quite …ballsy and confident and angry…Yehaw for Blog Rage Therapy!

    Nothing particularly unusual happened today, apart from making references to Spongebob and fossil fuels in musical form. And I’ve just realised I have a history report on Henry VIII due on Wednesday and I’d better get started on it…and tomorrow I’ll be getting my essay entitled Wrong Place Wrong Time back tomorrow- first essay of the term and I’d like to start with a BANG and say “HEY CLASSMATES, ENGLISH IS MY TERRITORY!”
    I won’t actually say that, but english is the only subject that I’m 99.9% confident in- and I have a fierce grade reputation were essays are concerned.
    I’ll publish it on here if you’d like to hear a story about me, a pair of converse and some dog poo- but it’s very PG, as it was written for school.

    Laters dudes, I’ve got a report on a fat man to write, and I think theres a cat dying in the bathroom..my mistake it’s my sis in the shower.

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